A series of 40k jokes
by psykotic addiction
Summary: Kinda self-explanatory
1. Chapter 1

I've always found warhammer pics like "Flak armor: because protection is for pussies." Hilarious and I've had several ideas but no idea how to make them. I figured I'd make a one-shot showing some of my ideas. If people like it I'll make more chapters.

Power fist:

The best way to shoot a bird

Eldar:

We're the reason slaneesh is alive yet we think ourselves above all others. We seen no problem about this whatsoever.

Daemonic assault:

This'll hurt us more than it'll hurt you.

Drop pods:

The good daemonic assault.

Bloodletters:

2 of us are capable are capable of killing your most elite units single handedly. And you thought necrons were broken.

Chainswords:

Leather face would be proud.

Flesh hounds

I can smell your fear!

Flamers of tzeentch

Stop drop and roll.

Abbadon

14th times the charm

Dark Eldar

Taking fetishes to a whole new level

Necrons

techno is now an official language

Dark Angels

Can you keep a secret?

Horrors

Only real men wear pink

Noise marines

WHAAAAT? I CAN'T HEAR YOU!

Fenris wolves

The twilight wolves on steroids.

Khorne juggernaut

It gives you wings!

Tervagons

No women can ever complain about childbirth again

I have a lot more but I'll save it for if anyone actually likes this.


	2. Chapter 2

Inquisition

Diligently being assholes to the imperium for decades and still going strong

Tyrannids

Remember that cockroach you shot in space? I think it's mad.

The monolith

Batteries not included

The sisters of battle motto

KILL IT WITH FIRE!

Tank shock

A new way to annoy the hell out of your opponent

Blood doners

Khorne has no comment.

Eldar helmets

Is it me or do those helmet look suspiciously like the kkK!- (eldar's voice) You saw nothing

Imperium's goals

Kill all xenos 2. Destroy chaos 3… did anyone ever think of HOW we could do 1 or 2?

Tau

All these big guns. Are they compensating for something?

orks vs tyranids

quantity over quantity

Orks

When following the laws of physics just isn't your thing

Dreadnaughts

In the future, refrigerators can kick your ass

Voystroyans

In soviet Russia, you don't kill guardsmen. Guardsmen kill you!

Genestealer cults

Like the furrys, but with bugs


	3. Chapter 3

Eldar Stealth

Take a long look at the eldar army. Now think. How do you NOT notice an army of power rangers sneaking up on you?

The New Tyrannids.

We have Apocalypse creatures as heavy support choices. This isn't unfair at all.

New Daemon Hunters

When the game begins, pack your stuff up. It will save you a whole lot of misery.

Lucius The eternal

Apparently, there's a new way to rape bodies.

Nurgle

It all started with the opening of McDonalds.

Juggernauts

They're red bulls. Why do you think they're mad?

Howling banshees

There's a reason the imperium doesn't use glass.

Wraithguard

When life gives you lemons. Make ghost robots.

Ork Kommandos

A moving cardboard box isn't noticeable at all.

Sisters of battle

Spreading the truth of feminism wherever they go. Oh and the emperor.

Catachans

Make fun of Rambo again. I dare you.

Terminators

I'll be back

Great Unclean One

That doesn't look like a zombie pedophile at all.


	4. Chapter 4

Necrons

The only race that can have an intelligent conversation with TV static

The Domain of slaneesh

The only place where rape is a public service

Chaos space marines

When worshipping a gold toilet has lost its appeal

Imperial guard

The guard retake 99% of a planet and get a pat on the back. Space marines retake the other 1% and are idealized. No one has ever had a problem with this and lived to tell the tale.

A khorne daemon's diet

Blood, more blood, and plenty of steroids

Night lords

Whatever you do. Never forget to check under your bed.

Talarans

ALLAH!

Dark Eldar wyches

Always where a cup when near one of them. No I'm being serious.

Ork math

9 + 1 = WAAAAAAAAAAGH!

Daemonhosts

Jesus is currently preparing a lawsuit. Also he revived Johnnie Cochran to be his lawyer.

Tzeentch's riddel

Okay there's a fox, a chicken, and a bag of corn. You need to cross the river with a boat but you can only bring 1 of them at a time. How do you get them across without one eating another?

Khorne's response

KILL THEM ALL AND THROW THEIR CORPSES ACROSS THE RIVER!

Tzeentch's answer

"sigh"

Horrors of tzeentch

Unsymmetrical = scary? This would make perfect sense if they weren't pink.

Fiends of slaneesh

Because you can never have too many boobies.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter masters

Because primarchs are sooo 10,000 years ago

Kharn the Betrayer

Mike Tyson in power armor

Tau

In soviet tau empire, soldiers suck at hand to hand.

The Death corpse of Kreig

The Helghast came to 40k. They didn't like what they were seeing.

Harlequins

Because colorful spandex is completely unnoticeable

Ogryn's

It just goes to show that living off health shakes and steroids at birth isn't a good idea.

Chaos daemons

Winning against unthinkable odds through improbable means.

Necrons

The Egyptians ran out of gauze. They had plenty of metal lying around.

Tyrannids

You can never have too much of a good thing.

The Masque

When you find a good joke for this one let me know.

Furioso Dreadnaughts

OH YEEEAAAAH!

Space marines

Cleanse. Purge. Kill! Afterwards I'm thinkin' Arby's.

Dark Angels

You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!

The Fateweaver

Your dad didn't die in an accident. He was raped and then killed by your mom. Your little sister is not a virgin. Your dog didn't run away. He was ran over, than was eaten by a family of poor hillbillies. Any other secrets you want me to reveal to you? No? Good day then.


	6. Chapter 6

Eldar

If you're judgmental, openly racist, and hypercritic, this is the club for you.

Seekers of slaneesh

This is what happens if you feed a prehistoric raptor ecstasy pills.

Fenris

The only place where a grown man yelling at a full moon isn't frowned upon.

Cultist

The satanic men in skirts club is now open.

Tyrannids

Quality over quantity? What do you do if your enemy has both?

Black templars

It's been 40,000 years! You think the mindset would've changed by now, but nooo.

Drop pods

It's rainin men! Halluagh it's- BOOM!

Iron legion commissars

KOOO! SKSSSH! KOOO! SKSSSH! KOOO! SKSSSH!

Vendetta spam

TH- TH- TH- THE JAPS ARE HERE!

Genestealer cults

The furries realized they'd never meet intelligent animals. So they compromised.

Avatar of khaine

"How did that happen to your hand?" "(sigh) it involved a pencil sharpener and 80 litters of bud lite. I refuse to say anymore."

Sisters of battle

Don't feel jealous of the guys in the sisters of battle ranks. They're all unicks or homosexual.

Sorry I haven't updated in so long. Problem is my laptop caught the Trojan virus and downed my Internet connection so I couldn't download any anti-virus software. It's a blessing I was able to get this up. Until I get a new laptop or find a way to get an anti-virus program on my laptop I'm limited to just this fic. Oh and for those who don't know what a unick is, it's a male priest with no testicules. It's probably spelled wrong though as I couldn't for the life of me, find it on Internet. Anyway see you later. Also yes I know I already used the genestealer cult one but I liked it too much to not use it again.

P.S. I'm not dead.


	7. Chapter 7

The Blood Angel's theme song

Assault Mariiiiines! Fuck Yeah!

xxx

Necron Michael Jackson

Everything else is already in there. Why not?

xxx

What Eldar think about Humans

Filthy, disgusting, inferior, barbaric, and annoying

What Humans think about Eldar

Bitch shut up and make me a sandwitch

xxx

Slaneesh and Eldar

Trust me. Those daemons aren't eating their souls. Eternal rape ftw!

xxx

Chaos lords

METAWL BAWKSES!

Chaos sorcerers

Why do we always have to work under these guys?

xxx

Daemon Princes

I have ascended! None can equal me!

Greater Daemons

METAWL BAWKSES!

Daemon Princes

FUUUUCK!

Xxxxxxxxx

Author's note: *sigh* it's good to be back.


	8. Chapter 8

Generic imperial guard battle cry

"ZERG RUSH IN THE EMPEROR'S NAME!"

xxxx

Praetorian guard battle cry

"TALLY HO!"

xxxx

Talaran guard battle cry

"ALLAHU AKBAR!"

xxxx

Death Corpse battle cry

"FOR HELGHAN"

xxxx

Voystroyan guard battle cry

"FOR GREAT MOTHER RUSSIA!"

xxxx

Steel Legion battle cry

"KOOO SKSSSH KOOO SKSSSH. Join the dark side."

xxxx

Kronus regiment battle cry

"WE HAVE **VANCE FUCKING STUBBS!** WE CAN'T LOSE!"

xxxx

Catachan guard battle cry

"WE ARE RAMBO'S BADASSERY INCARNATE!"

xxxx

Traitor guard battle cry

"HWE CAPTOORED EET FHOR KAOS!"

xxxx

Armored company battle cry

"BLOW THEM TO SMITHEREENS! GOOD, NOW DRIVE ME CLOSER! I WANT TO HIT THEM WITH MY SWORD!"

xxxx

Author's note: an entire chapter dedicated to the imperial guard's various battle cries. I hope you enjoyed reading as much as I enjoyed writing it.


	9. Chapter 9

New Necron Fluff

Vive Le Ressitance!

New Blood Angels

BLOOD FOR THE EMPEROR!

A Catachan dinner

Today's special is giant tarantula legs, fried veloci-raptor, and a side of mash man-eating potatoes. Now that's good eating!

Death korps of Krieg grenades

POTATO MASHER! RUN!

Blood Angels vs World Eaters

BLOOD! BLOOD BLOOOOOOD!

The Salamanders marching down a street to the emperor's throne?

The Civil rights movement

White Scars vs Space wolves?

Mongols vs Vikings

An assault marine tied by a rope to a rhino?

Extreme parasailing

Deathmarks

I spy with my little eye.

Grey knight kicking a daemon back in the warp.

THIS. IS. THE MATERIUM!

Inquisiton

The illuminati took over the government. This was the result.

**Author's note:** Wazzap!

Sup!

Yooo!

Woohoo!


	10. Chapter 10

Author's note: No rhyme or reason for updating this. Just felt like it, due to 6th edition adding interesting rules.

New over-watch rules:

Shoot it! _Shoot it!_ _**Shoot it!**_ **FUCKING SHOOT IT**_**!**_

Feel no pain:

_*BANG!*_ "Oh look, a part of my brain just got blown off... What was I doing again?"

Chaos Heldrake:

"Where the hell did they get a _**fucking**_ **dragon** from!?" -_Imperial Guard general_

New Ally rules:

"Sir, the dark eldar are working with the space wolves to attack us!"

"...Fuck."

New assault rules:

"In the emperor's name, **charge**!" **(**rolls double 1's**)** "Arrrgh! _Leg Cramp!"_

New challenge system:

"I challenge _you_ to **Mortal Kombat!**" (denies challenge) "Get back here you pussy!"

New hull-point/vehicle damage system:

F*ck necrons and their Gauss weapons!

New vector strike rules:

"Oh God! _Get it off! Get it off!_"-imperial guard jet pilot

New snap fire rules:

"See that target over there? I can hit it while moving, and with my eyes _**closed**_!"

New reserve rules:

"The enemy isn't here yet? We've won!"

"But sir, they're on their way right n-"

"I **SAID** we won!"

New night fighting rules:

"I can't see shit! This the 41st millennium! Shouldn't we have night vision goggles or something by now!?"

"No sir! All we have are flashlights!"

"What kind of bullsh*t is this!?"


End file.
